My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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