I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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