let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
