i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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