There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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