Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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