I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
