every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
