the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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