Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
