Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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