I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
