Well apparently he's into motor boating.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
