i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
