i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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