dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
