i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
