i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
you made out with another girl for some wings
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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