I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
