I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
