I cannot find my penis.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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