Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
