I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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