did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
