tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
