Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
