today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
