I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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