We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
