There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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