She went from zero to smokin in five shots
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
They have beer where we have blood.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
