hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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