at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Come share oat with me in your robe
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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