I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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