He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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