you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
