Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
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