Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
