Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
