Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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