worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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