Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
