Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
