Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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