Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
