Need sex. Gaining weight.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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