Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
