yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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