she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
