he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
