he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
