I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
