dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
